Sometimes hiding in strength can lead to moments of weakness.
I believe today has been one of those days for myself.
Though the idea of weakness is something which I both abhor and embrace, I feel that their are no other words that speak what I’m feeling.
Today has been emotional for me.
Emotion and my best writing works go hand in hand… But I think today is a different type of released expression.
Boketto is a Japanese word which frankly doesn’t have a good English translation.
The idea behind Boketto is staring at the sky without a thought… Losing ones own self in the distance.
I happened across the word in a forum today and was struck by how perfectly I understand it.
How much my American English upbringing failed to have such a miraculous word. And it also moved me to write on where I happen to be sitting in my life today. How I’ve been giving no thought to the world ahead of me.
I’m staring vacantly into a future unknown…
Giving no thought to the distance ahead of me.
I keep trying to find a creative way to express what I happen to be feeling, and though I often pick apart my words when they aren’t thought out I think that today needs something simple.
I need to express emotion as it is without flair.
I’m content with where I am. Proud of myself for keeping the wonderful world around me together. I’m afraid of choosing the wrong choice and destroying what I’ve worked for as well though.
I feel alone.… But I also am, without doubt, finding comfort in someone who will never be able to be replaced. I’m stepping lightly in a friendship that has more meaning then the descriptive term friend can hold and finding that the relationship that we hold is more like being a couple without any sense of romance. This is something I will likely never have again and I am blessed to be able to have this friend in my life.
I’m struggling with being broken as well.
I hurt physically and emotionally, am afraid of venturing past self built walls put in for safety and yet angry that I’ve kept myself in a deep seclusion.
I have wonder that’s been watching from afar.
Keeping it’s distance in case I’m not the right choice.
I think I’ve lost my voice as well.
Though which voice it is I’m no longer sure.
Baffled with miracles and my ability to shrug off hits.
Conquered by unknown triggers. I’ll weep at the strangest of things.
Today I’ll be embracing Boketto.
Embracing gazing into the distance.
Nothing may come of it, but seeing where the future of my past has lead to my present I know that an answer will eventually be revealed.